Know The Difference: Grit, Gratitude, And Growth Jason's story part 2

The conversation starts where so many secrets live: hiding use, chasing the next hit, and whispering with paranoia behind a bathroom door. Jason lays it bare— how porn corroded trust and warped intimacy, and how the endless scroll dulled imagination. What follows isn’t a miracle flip; it’s a humble blueprint for change built on daily intention, ceremony, and the courage to feel. We ground the story with a land acknowledgement and our two-eyed seeing mission, then travel through the messy middle toward something sturdier than willpower: structure, community, and purpose.

Fatherhood reframes everything. Jason refuses to repeat old patterns learned from an absent parent. Instead, he shows up with time, steadiness, and gratitude for hard lessons that once hurt. ADHD and autism traits become assets when channelled with care: night-before prep, multiple plans for different outcomes, and an “organized mess” that still moves life forward. We talk boundaries that actually hold—dating outside triggers, protecting peace at home, and saying no to the lie of “just this once.” A mentor’s line echoes through: do your best and leave the rest. Some days that “best” is smaller; it still counts.

Spiritual practice is the spine. A morning prayer—love myself, protect myself, be kind to myself—turns yesterday’s wounds into today’s medicine. Sweat lodge, smudging, and community reinforce sobriety without erasing the human tug of compulsion. We dig into pain literacy, the difference between emotional and physical pain, and why tears are not weakness but release. Then we face practical realities: work that pays but stalls growth, the cost of everything, and the plan to upgrade skills while staying employed. Purpose emerges in service—elevate your life, then radiate it outward.

If you’ve ever asked, Why can’t I just stop? or When will the other shoe drop? this story offers honest tools you can use today: self-reflection that looks for lessons, boundaries that protect energy, attainable goals that build momentum, and people who can “supervise” your thoughts when the mind runs hot. Hit follow, share this with someone who needs hope, and leave a review to help more listeners find their way to calm, choice, and a life that fits.

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Transcript

Welcome & Land Acknowledgement

Keith "Polar Bear" Gelhorn 0:01

Welcome to the Big Bears Podcast, co-hosted by Chad Grizzly Bear Bunker, and Keith Polar Bear Gellhorn. We would like to acknowledge that we are in Mi'kmaq, the ancestral and unceded territory of the Mi'kmaq people. The people of the Mi'kmaq Nation have lived on this territory for millennia, and we acknowledge them as past, present, and future caretakers of this land. Our mission is to explore the intersection of neurodiversity through a two-eyed seeing lens, where we share stories of struggle, resilience, grit, and growth.

Mission: Neurodiversity Through Two-Eyed Seeing

Keith "Polar Bear" Gelhorn 0:42

We would appreciate it if you could listen, subscribe, engage, and share this podcast. Now on to today's episode.

Raw Confessions Of Addiction

SPEAKER_05 0:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

And maybe it would have broken down eventually. Um my my using and did not did not help at all.

SPEAKER_04 1:05

No, it doesn't help.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

And and and yeah, but if you're trying to hide something, it might be a problem. It might be a problem.

SPEAKER_04 1:14

I'm really shitty at hiding shit. I mean, honestly. I'm great at hiding stuff.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

There's stuff I've hit I can't find.

SPEAKER_04 1:21

Yeah, I would be sitting there and she'd be sleeping, and I am so crazy that I had to pull out a little bit and do one while I'm watching her. Yeah. Man, I tell you, the paranoia that would come over me all the time. I felt like I was having an Ozzy Osborne moment, you know, like Yeah, I I've I've done kind of that, but not exact that, but like sneaking out of the room. I'd be in the bedroom. Slowly crushing it up, you know. I gotta listen.

SPEAKER_01 1:54

Like I got the baggy tab paint in the back of the toilet.

SPEAKER_04 1:58

Yeah, I was on the toilet and I would just cloak slowly open the bag. I didn't want her to hear a bag being open.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

You're so high, you're like, oh, I can hear a pin drop.

SPEAKER_04 2:09

Literally. It just drives you crazy. I can hear it, they can hear it. Exactly. Oh my god, the the pleas in the trees? What's out there? Yeah, exactly. Oh man, it was horrible. Yeah, right. Yeah, I don't miss it. No, I really don't. I don't miss being out of control where I'm not able to make better choices. You know, and that's where it's down to nowadays. Like I'm so calm now because I like being able to make choices.

SPEAKER_02 2:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:39

In situations that I had a shitty hard time making choices in. And especially being around women. Like it took me forever to be comfortable around women, knowing the issues I had with porn. But where I have left I left the porn out in the last twelve 14 months. I have gained friendships and women. Women trust me. Women come to my door sometimes at work to ask me if they can stand next to me because there's some guy creeping them out. And it's just it's gotten so much better because I finally let go. Yeah. Right?

SPEAKER_01 3:12

It's it's not good and it it it creates an unrealistic idea of things. And I I found, you know, you get away from that at screens in general, it helps with your imagination. Oh, it does? Because I I could I could never like picture things in my mind because I'm too used to just watching it.

SPEAKER_04 3:32

Yeah, yeah. Right? Can't even use your your own mind to I was at that point. I was at a point where I had to have other dudes in my my head.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

And you're watching and it just gets more degrading. You're just like this won't do it for me anymore. What else is that?

SPEAKER_04 3:48

Exactly. What else is that? And you're like, God. Right? It was a never-ending cycle. It got to a point, it was so bad that when I was doing it, I would be there, you know, doing my thing with myself, watching porn. And fuck, man, like I would, I would I didn't even get off for anything. I would just sit there 800 pages later, looking for the right video. Could never find the right video.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

Right one.

SPEAKER_04 4:14

Couldn't find it.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

Yeah. So I was like trying to fix your life. Yeah. If I find the right situation, the right place, the right person.

SPEAKER_04 4:22

The right person, the right job, the right job, the right anything, the right anything. It will it will fix my life. It will fix me because I didn't want to fix me. Yeah. You don't want to do the hard work. You don't want to do the hard work. Never. That's right. Someone just changed me right now. Right? Yeah.

Letting Go Of Porn And Rebuilding Trust

SPEAKER_04 4:43

Oh, geez. You guys are getting a lot of information here today on the podcast. But you know what? This is what it's all about. If we don't share about real things and real situations that's happened in our lives, how can we really share a message to anybody else that's struggling or wants to do better in their life? You know, like like Jason here. He's now a dad. He has how many kids do you get? You got two two kids. I've got a son. You know, I adopted him because his mother, it was his mother's. It was my partner's son. So I took him on as a stepfather. That's good. But yours are blood related.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

Yes. Yes. I'd I'd I'd wanted kids ever since I was like 21. So I wanted so I thought that my father never taught me anything because he wasn't there. But I am grateful for my father. That's good. Now it's good. I I haven't seen him since I was 21. Yeah. Last time I seen him, I told him what I thought of him. I was I was messed up. And he said something like, Oh, I I I wouldn't be at your funeral, or something like that. And I snapped and I was like, Man, I will be at your fucking funeral. I will be laughing. And and I was so mad. And he was like, he's like, I'm afraid to turn my back to you. Jeez. Yeah, I flipped there the last time I seen him. But yeah, since since 21, I was like, I just wanted to see a little piece of me that I could just be there. Because I I grew up with nothing. So I know you don't need money. I know the only thing that matters to a kid is that you're there. Spending time with them. So I he taught me to always have a place to live. Don't be homeless. Because I thought I was growing up seeing him living in tents all year round. Oh, geez. All through the winter, snowshoeing, into the woods, all this stuff. And I was like, I'll always have a job because he was a master electrician. This guy was smart as hell. But he chose parodying over everything. So I was like, I'll always have a job. I'll always have a place to stay. So that taught me that as soon as I got paid, I would put money aside for every billet. Wow. And I still don't do that to this day. And I I I prep stuff before to be organized, but that's probably ADHD and big time ADHD. You do exactly what I do. Yeah, yeah. I notice I do a lot of things with my yes. I notice it big time now. So yeah, uh he he taught me these things that are really important, and I'm glad I looked inward, like to find gratitude for things that are crappy that happen to you, but you don't notice it when you're in it. You're like, why the hell am I going through that? Like what what have I done to deserve this? But when you do self-reflection, you can pick out the positives in it. Yeah. And now, you know, I'm always there for my kids. And I'm getting to see them grow up.

SPEAKER_04 8:19

And you want nothing else but just to make sure they don't have to grow up.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

Yeah, because I was like, I'm like having to grow up at like seven years

Screens, Imagination, And Compulsion

SPEAKER_01 8:30

old, like multiple traumas in my in my childhood, my adolescence, and my adulthood. Jeez. And it's just it's just compounded, right? And I I I want them to not have to grow up fast. Like me, and be able to be a kid. Enjoy being a kid. Yeah. So that's a really positive thing that that has happened. So a positive thing, I guess, about ADHD and being on the spectrum with autism, I think, is how I plan things out and I make multiple plans and so then I'm prepared for different situations. And like uh so I come home from work and I start prepping for the next day, I get it all out of the way.

SPEAKER_04 9:27

That's good because honestly.

SPEAKER_01 9:28

I can get up in the morning and I just do my thing. Like I I try to be organized as much as possible. And even though sometimes things are a mess, it's an organized mess that I know how to navigate.

SPEAKER_04 9:42

I clean my house once a week, so yeah, I get it.

SPEAKER_01 9:47

Who moved that thing that was in the place?

SPEAKER_04 9:50

Yeah. No, no, that's my partner. I'll move it to clean, and she'll be like, where did that go? I'm like, I'm sorry, I cannot do I cannot have a mess in that corner anymore. I had to organize it. Right? Yeah. But it works. I mean, we work it out, and she's happy when I get things done and clean. I just tell her where to put things now.

SPEAKER_01 10:11

Yes. I I do have a problem with putting things in a safe place and then forgetting where. Yeah, exactly. I lose things for months and I'm just like, oh man. And then I find out, I was like, how the hell did it get here?

SPEAKER_04 10:26

Yeah, a lot of the times my partner will find it before I find it.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:29

They'll be like that day, I'll be like, oh, I can't find what this is. Oh, and she will go look for it and she finds it. After I just look there.

SPEAKER_01 10:37

Yeah. I I'll I've been looking for certain things for for like a month or so, and I just give up. Yeah, just like, you know what? It will come. It will show up.

SPEAKER_04 10:46

It will show.

SPEAKER_01 10:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:48

Yeah. Nothing's worth the peace in my mind. Yeah, just looking at it. Be patient.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

You know, it's it's it's okay to have wants and all that stuff, but I think a patience is key. Sometimes I and I I found out something else about myself. Like uh there may be things that I want.

SPEAKER_04 11:07

But you necessarily don't need them.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

Exactly. And I can I can force things to happen. Like I can I can force outcomes, but it never turns out the way I imagined it in my mind.

SPEAKER_05 11:20

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Because it probably wasn't meant to happen at that point and the way it came about. Exactly. Right? So I think I've I've forced myself to relax a little. I take it back all the time.

SPEAKER_05 11:39

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

But I try to remind myself, like, hey, just just wait for it, but like, you know, make the plans, the things that you want, put the work in, yeah, and then leave the rest and and let it come. If it's supposed to come, it will come, right?

SPEAKER_04 11:56

Emmett used to say to us, do your best and leave the rest. Yes. It's all we can do.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

That's all you can do. And your best isn't going to be the same every day. Some days you may be off, some days you may be off.

SPEAKER_04 12:08

You're allowed to have bad days. The only thing is how your attitude sees it.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 12:12

You can find good in it.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Yeah. Like, not like because I remember I didn't even know until like until I get into spirituality, I did I didn't even think I had an ego. Because I I thought ego was like building yourself up, tearing people down, all this stuff. But I was always beating myself up.

SPEAKER_05 12:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Tearing myself down. Yeah. And living in the past, and then making up these crazy futures. Yeah. That's all ego. Yeah. Right? Didn't even know.

SPEAKER_04 12:41

Every day when I get up now and I and I do my prayer, I always say to the creator, can you please help me learn to love myself, to protect myself, to be kind to myself, to be okay with just being me, you know, and and I do it every day. Yeah. And I I have a pretty long prayer because I pray about a lot of things, but like when you sit and pray with with the creator, the creator usually has a better day for you if you allow him or allow it to take control of your day. Once the creator is in my day and I put on my medicine pouch and I go out, I'm now what the creator needs me to be.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:24

You know what I mean? Like it's a mindset. It took me a while to get there, but it's all about saying the same prayer every day.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

Yeah. And prayer prayer with intention.

SPEAKER_04 13:33

Intention. Like I want to be a better creator. Please share your knowledge and your strengths and your wisdom and your experiences

Fatherhood, Trauma, And Gratitude

SPEAKER_04 13:40

with me so that I can learn to make my experiences yesterday my medicine today.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 13:45

That's a big part of my prayer.

SPEAKER_01 13:46

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 13:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

That's good. And then you know, at night with the with the with the outro, the gratitude.

SPEAKER_04 13:54

Yeah. The gratitude forward to you. Sometimes do a smudge or say thank you for allowing me to live through this day again today. It's all about being positive about the whole darn day.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

Yes, exactly. Right?

SPEAKER_04 14:04

Yeah. I know you want to be coming back to sweat soon, and we will.

SPEAKER_01 14:08

Yes, yes. It's just navigating the whole thing because like I said, uh I usually have my kids on the weekends and then the work, the weekdays, trying to find balance is is tricky, right? Because I still always be a person, I guess, with addictive personality. Yeah. I may want to always be doing something.

SPEAKER_04 14:41

Yeah. Well, I didn't do anything first year. Yeah. Set and into the the second part of my year I started doing all kinds of stuff.

SPEAKER_02 14:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 14:48

So you you really gotta take time just to balance yourself out before you slowly put stuff into your schedule. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

unknown 14:57

Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 14:57

Because you remember at the end of the day, you're you're a worker, you're a father, you're this, you're that, you're that's you can't drain yourself. No, you can't drain yourself. My therapist tells me all the time, I hear a lot of great things going on, but are you taking any time for yourself? And I'm like, I am. I'll be doing a little bit of podcast stuff at home from Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, but I'll always find time for my partner and always find time to play my games. Okay. Right? Uh those are things I enjoy doing. That's where I find peace by playing some Call of Duty and telling some young punk to mess up.

SPEAKER_01 15:36

I have so many Call of Duty games and haven't played one yet.

SPEAKER_04 15:39

Yeah. I get after them a little bit. Sometimes I get after them, but then it just starts a big argument online, so I don't really try to go there anymore.

SPEAKER_01 15:50

Yeah, I've I've never yeah, the online thing I've I've never done.

SPEAKER_04 15:54

I've been killing Dragon Ball Z games lately, like Dragon Ball Z Kakarot. I have got so many hours in that now. And I've got Dragon Ball Z Sparkling Zero, and that's really freaking fun game to play.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

I have not made time for video games. Usually this game of life has me.

SPEAKER_04 16:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:15

Has me going.

SPEAKER_04 16:17

Yeah. So like I'll show you, like, when I was just focusing on myself and in doing groups and stuff every week, I was doing therapy once every two weeks. I was going to groups twice a week and going to work my four days a week, and that was it. Wasn't doing anything else. And then when we got into like once Keith was good at doing the podcast room and everything in AI, it was my turn to learn because he has so much stuff going on that involves me having to step up and being the other boss and learning my business. So I I learned the business within three months. And now on Mondays, I go to group in the evening if I can make it. If not, I'm at work. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I'm off. But Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I'm now with SMU course on Tuesdays and Thursdays at certain time of the day. And then I also balance out doing work for the podcast. And then Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, I'm at work. And on Sundays for the sweat, I will sacrifice hours of sleep just to get to ceremony. That's how I make my life work.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

Is there one this weekend?

SPEAKER_04 17:27

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 17:28

When?

SPEAKER_04 17:28

Probably be Sunday.

SPEAKER_01 17:30

Okay. I think I could make that one.

SPEAKER_04 17:33

We'll definitely be talking about it. Okay, cool.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

Do you remember when I called you and said that I could be your sponsor?

SPEAKER_05 17:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

So this is a problem I I found out that I had.

SPEAKER_05 17:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:49

So I never had the desire to not do drugs. Never had it.

SPEAKER_04 17:57

Really?

SPEAKER_01 17:57

Yeah. The only desire I've ever had that made me stop is not wanting to feel the way I did. I I didn't want to look over my shoulder all the time. I didn't want to be paranoid, not have any relationships, not trust people.

SPEAKER_05 18:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

Just being alone, feeling alone inside, being around so many people and knowing so many people because they sold drugs and all this stuff, all these friendly grins, people that weren't your friends. And I didn't want that. That's why I quit. And then my weak point when I when I when I quit substances, my weak point is sex.

SPEAKER_05 18:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

So so when I got into a relationship with with someone outside the program, and they would be like, oh, you know, and this has happened multiple times.

SPEAKER_04 18:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

Because I would date in the rooms, and that'd be chaotic chaotic.

SPEAKER_04 18:56

Yeah, I'd be in there.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Right? Especially if there's more than one person that you've been with in the same room. Yeah. They're talking to each other. Yeah. So I started dating outside the rooms because I I get clean, I get healthy, you know, I got stuff on the go, and I raise my level.

SPEAKER_05 19:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:15

Right. So I may attract someone else. Okay. And they've never seen me parody. Yeah. Okay. And I'm great 95% of the time with parodying. I'm awesome. I'm great. Yeah. That five percent. I'm like, listen, I'm like, you might think I'm good, and it may be a long time before you see it.

SPEAKER_05 19:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

It could be years before you see the bad come out. Yeah. Right? They don't get it because maybe they're not used to um people like that.

SPEAKER_05 19:44

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

And I would shrug stuff off. They'd be like, oh, can I do this in front of you? I'm like, hell yeah. That don't bother me. And it doesn't, because it it doesn't. Am I lying to myself? I don't know. I say it doesn't bother me, but I want to do it. So I'm just I would let people do it of all the time. And then eventually I'd just be like, and then I would slow down on doing the things I should be doing. Yeah. And then I'd be like, F it. I'm like, let me have some. Yeah, exactly. And that's how it goes. And then that's the way it would go.

SPEAKER_04 20:18

Yeah. Yeah. Once you start to realize everything that caused you to get into the situations you got into, that's when the real work starts. When you start to know the difference. Emmett Peters would always tell me the most important part of the serenity prayer is to know the difference. Yeah. And he would he would say it. He'd say, if you know the difference, you're cooking with gasoline. He would always tell me, You're almost there, bud. You're almost there. You're close. You're almost there. Right? I was far off.

SPEAKER_02 20:53

Yeah. Well, the thing is.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

He was trying to be positive too, right? So the thing is, it's it's constant work. It's not something that you get and you have it. That's not the way life works. Life is is constant work. Whether it be relationships,

ADHD, Autism, And Turning Traits Into Strengths

SPEAKER_01 21:10

exactly. Everything is constant work. And if you want something, the hardest part is keeping it. Because keeping something healthy and going good takes constant work.

SPEAKER_04 21:23

Oh, it's constantly, constantly work. There's still times where I have insecurities about all this good stuff that's happening to me.

SPEAKER_01 21:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 21:30

I'll sit there and be like, so when's the bad coming?

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Yeah. You know, like and I bounce stuff like that, what you're saying up the same way. I I bounce that off of people, I'm gonna say, like us.

SPEAKER_05 21:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:43

Um people that are around me now that are having positive effects on me.

SPEAKER_05 21:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

I would be like, and we would say this back in the room. I've shared this, I would be like, I need adult supervision to go in my head sometimes. Yeah. Because I I'm thinking something, and then I'd be like, Like, hey, I'm thinking this. That's normal, right? And they're like, no. No. No, that's not normal. Normal people don't think like that. And I'm like, really? Exactly. Exactly. I'm like, oh, so I got something going on here. And yeah, that's yeah. And I think hanging out with people with ADD, ADHD, autism, yeah, has has taught me a lot about myself. Exactly. I I didn't even know I I had it until a few months ago. Then I'm like, then everything that I do, the hand stuff, especially.

SPEAKER_04 22:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:34

And the thinking and the yeah. Everything.

SPEAKER_04 22:37

It just is all a part of who you are.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

Yeah. And and I was like, at first, I'm like, all right, what do I do here? And they're like, and and my friends are like, turn that shit into a motherfucking superpower. So that's that's what I'm trying to do. Turn it into a superpower like you're doing.

SPEAKER_04 22:54

99% of the time a people with have a a disability has a really hard time with addiction.

SPEAKER_01 23:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:01

Right. So it's very common for us to want to just go all out. Yeah. Hyper focused, man. I'm gonna go all out.

SPEAKER_01 23:10

Buy a little when you can buy a little bit.

SPEAKER_04 23:12

Exactly. I tell people I'm like, there better be more here if we're gonna have a good time.

SPEAKER_01 23:16

Right? Like, oh, you only got that? What is that just for you? Or is that just for me?

SPEAKER_04 23:22

You bought it for me?

SPEAKER_01 23:24

If we have to share, we need to go get more. Yeah, we need a lot more. I used to tell people I'm just like, if you're buying certain drugs, you might as well just empty the damn wallet. Don't buy, don't buy a little because you're gonna be calling back for just getting it done.

SPEAKER_04 23:40

Get it done now. I remember sitting with customers and being like, you know what? I'll probably never do this again, but I want to try doing a big swirl. You know, I'm gonna just lay it out big swirl on the table. I've seen this in a movie once. I'm gonna try it. This is crazy shit you think about when you're doing it, right? Yeah, yeah. How can I fuck myself up even more?

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Oh, I shouldn't do this with alcohol, eh? Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_04 24:06

What happened for me is that when you do a seven-month run on the the white train, it really starts to take effect of who you are now as a person. So, like that night when it hit, I wanted to hurt somebody really badly. I started to lose control over choices I was making, starting to lose control over my own thoughts. Myself was wanting to run out in traffic and get hit by a bus. Like my body was literally walking out in there while I was trying to force myself back in the house. So, what I wanted was I wanted a peace of mind again. I wanted to be able to make decisions to think about something without wanting to friggin' hurt myself or anyone else. That was the that was what happened to me. That's why I made these changes because I never want to go back to that way.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

Yeah, I put myself into a psychosis. Oh, psychosis is crazy, man. Yeah, right. And yeah, it's it's crazy. Yeah, and I've gotten to that different points in addiction where uh like I said, when I quit for like, is this it? Or I'm like, I'm like, I I don't want to be here, or I'd be on a I'd be living on a in a high rise and I'd be like looking down and I'd be like, Yeah, and it's not and I have a bad I have trauma with with suicide. Yeah, I mean with people committing suicide. Yeah, so even though I haven't done it or attempted, I I sure have thought about it. Um but the all the trauma of people doing it affected me in such a way that I got this mentality like it was the coward's way out. But I know, I know, I know the pain, I know the feeling, and doing the work, I know that it's not that people want to kill themselves. No, I you don't want to feel the pain. You know, you don't want to feel the damn pain no more.

SPEAKER_04 26:06

I get it to go through it.

SPEAKER_01 26:08

I get it so bad, and that that's the common thing with with all of us is people. You know, you you don't have to know the exact situation, but you know pain. Everyone knows pain.

SPEAKER_04 26:21

And pain can be temporarily, yeah. That's what I teach people, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

Like, and that's why like everyone sees me and they're like they see the tattoos because it's it's basically one tattoo, and every time someone some sees how much I'm tattooed, they're like, Does that hurt? I'm like, Yeah, like they all hurt, but I'm like, and like even the tattooers is like, man, it's like tattooing a corpse. I'm like, in in my in my head, I'm on the floor crying, but here I'm composed. I'm like, I tell people, if you've ever had emotional

Prayer, Ceremony, And Daily Intentions

SPEAKER_01 26:55

pain, physical pain's nothing. No, physical pain ends, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 27:00

Physical pain will come and go, emotional pain can linger.

SPEAKER_01 27:03

Yeah, you can you can pick up shit like years later and be like, something could happen, and it could be like, oh, I remember this pain.

SPEAKER_04 27:12

Exactly. It's like a lot of youth that I see when I'm at work, a lot of young adults. I always tell them when I see them crying, it's okay to let the emotions out, but what it's not okay is to let it linger.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

Speaking of crying, I have I never really started crying out of happiness or sadness, anything like that, until I had my son. When I had my son, I came home, I was in the shower listening to Simple Man, and tears just started falling. It happens a lot more now because I know it's healing, yeah, it's not weak, but but I never cried before. I cried two times before that, and it was because I was mad. I was so mad. That that's the point. If you ever see tears falling from my face and I'm not talking, yeah, that's the that's really bad. And it only happened once once was with my dad, yeah, and then another time was when my friend was getting jumped, I just snapped on someone, right? So and now realizing that that it's an emotional release and it's healing, it is, but they don't teach you that. Like, well, I wasn't taught that. I I think people maybe growing up now are more in tuned and and it's more accepted to deal with your emotions and cry and stuff because it is good.

SPEAKER_04 28:42

It's okay to be a man and cry. Yeah, it's okay to keep emotions, right? Exactly. I grew up in a household where if you cried, what the hell's wrong with you?

SPEAKER_01 28:51

Yeah, I'll give you something to cry about. I'll give you something to cry about.

SPEAKER_04 28:56

Or you just get picked on. Like my father for a really, really long time, like we're doing really good now, but I had to take a break. And there comes a point in your life where you where you find out why you act the way you do, and it's because the people you surround yourselves with. So I surround myself around my dad so much that I acted just like him. So all my friends, I would pick on them, call them names, because that's the way my father treated me. And it's not the person I wanted to be anymore. All those dirty jokes and everything, that all came from my dad. He would call me a faggot every day for almost 20 years, if not longer. Still does at times. I just I'm okay with letting it go now.

SPEAKER_01 29:40

Yeah, and just switch the conversation, I know, whatever. Yeah, but yeah, I I realized that too. Like, I I didn't want to be like my dad so bad.

SPEAKER_05 29:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:50

And then freaking, I realized I turned just like him with the addiction. Like that thing with the the mental hospital thing. I freaking, I OD'd. They found me in a field, my heart almost exploded, I guess, because I was uh again, a classic story of my ex, her father broke his back, and he had hydromorphone and antipyline, which is a nerve blocker. And when you took them together, the morphine is like euphoric and beautiful, crippling addiction, don't do drugs. And the anti-tripline nerve blockers would make you feel would like make you kind of feel drunk. Yeah, so your mind would be clear and euphoric, but you'd be stumbling. And I it was a cool feeling that I fell in love with. Yeah, and I was doing it every day, and you probably shouldn't be mixing them. And they found me, and then they locked me up in in the psych ward, the same psych ward. Jeez, and yeah, so they find me, they bring me to like the nearest hospital. This is like a mind trip. They put me in this room, and my grandfather's in this room sick. Jeez, my father's father is in this room, and I I went to school with the guy guarding the door. I'm like, dude, you gotta let me at this fucking room. I'm like, my grandfather's right there. And he wouldn't let me leave, and then they shipped me to another hospital, and it was the same one that I visited my dad in when I was seven. And I remember seeing him, and I seen people trying to break out, and he was he looked over and he's like, I stopped trying to break out after like the third or fourth time. And even though I OD'd, and this is the the crazy mind. Even though I OD'd, I had people bringing me in stuff. Yeah, they they snuck stuff into me. It's insanity. It is insanity, but it was a good experience. I I found that uh there was a lot of good people in there. Yep. A lot of people suffering from depression and stuff like that, but really good people. Yes, yeah, and they had they have the good meds there.

SPEAKER_04 32:09

Oh, yeah, the happy meds. Yeah, the happy drugs. Here, take the volume and go sit down and watch TV.

SPEAKER_01 32:15

Yeah, they never gave any to me because they thought I owed I was like, no, I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was just trying to get high and bury my pain.

SPEAKER_04 32:24

Literally go to detox and get high, because honestly, when I was there, that's all we did was Valium. Yeah, I didn't have any heart addictions at the time, so I was just getting high all day. Valium is a horrible drug.

SPEAKER_01 32:35

Just because I would black out, right? Like I broke into my friend's house to see them, not to do anything bad. Yeah, but I was all fucked up. I crawled in their window. And they came downstairs and they're like, What the fuck? They picked me up, kicked me out, and they're like, I'll see you tomorrow. Don't even remember when I came over to visit them the next day, they told me. And I was like, Well, never doing Valium again. Yeah, Valium and drinking.

SPEAKER_04 33:01

I used to do it a lot with drinking. Yeah, it's like it's Black Eat City. Black O City, wake up with a shitty mess.

SPEAKER_01 33:08

Yeah, and your pants. Yeah, you're like hearing, oh, you're that guy, or I wake up feeling like I got my ass kicked, and they're like, Oh, you fell down a flight of stairs. They call me spontaneous puke because I'd just be walking, puke, and then keep walking and then keep partying. And I'm just like, just making room. Yeah, good now. I can keep drinking, just walking down the street.

SPEAKER_04 33:29

And you're the guy I usually kick out at the end of the night. So tell us, what is it that you're doing right now, currently for work? Anything special you're doing these days.

SPEAKER_01 33:46

I'm doing restoration work. I do a lot of remediation. Like I'm going up to Truro tomorrow to uh remediate some asbestos.

SPEAKER_04 33:54

Oh, that's cool.

SPEAKER_01 33:56

But I I really need to upgrade my life work-wise.

Balance, Boundaries, And Recovery Routines

SPEAKER_01 34:00

I've been doing hard labor since I've been 12.

SPEAKER_04 34:02

Yeah, take a fish.

SPEAKER_01 34:03

And I've I've I've mastered hard labor and being poor. I I need to upgrade. Because I like I know money's not everything, but I want more for my kids. I want to have a little piece of land, grow my own food.

SPEAKER_04 34:23

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 34:24

And that's not too much to ask. It's just it's just gonna take work. So I'm currently in the mix to get actual ducks in a row so I can get out of debt. Like I'm really comfortable. That's the hard thing. I'm really comfortable at my job. I like the people on all levels, even even you know, management, the people where I am working. And everything's really good, but uh there's not gonna be any progression. And I can't.

SPEAKER_04 35:06

Yeah. I need to look at the future because the future is changing really quick.

SPEAKER_01 35:12

And unfortunately, the way the system is set up, everything is money.

SPEAKER_04 35:17

Everything's money.

SPEAKER_01 35:18

And yeah, well I and everything's really expensive now, so I need to make a change, and I I know I can do other things. Like I I've done I've done these things for so long, I know I could be like a foreman or an inspector of some kind or or something else. Like the dream is to help people.

SPEAKER_04 35:46

That's a good one.

SPEAKER_01 35:47

You know what I mean? So I I think that's everyone's purpose in life to elevate themselves to a place and then radiate it out and help other people.

SPEAKER_04 35:58

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 35:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:00

Could see that happening.

SPEAKER_01 36:01

Yeah. It's it's it's not a firefetched dream.

SPEAKER_04 36:04

No.

SPEAKER_01 36:05

It's just going about it, thinking about it.

SPEAKER_04 36:09

All in the right way.

SPEAKER_01 36:10

Yes, and and doing the action.

SPEAKER_04 36:13

Yes, action speaks louder than words.

SPEAKER_01 36:15

Yes, and uh, that's usually what I've always tried to do. Yeah. Like, because yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:21

You're a go you're a go-doer.

SPEAKER_01 36:23

Yeah, because there's a lot of there's a lot of talking, yeah. And just too much talking sometimes. Action, action, action, cut, right?

SPEAKER_04 36:33

Action. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 36:35

And so I just gotta take the right steps and uh get there, elevate, radiate outward. And I'm really proud of you.

SPEAKER_04 36:43

Thanks, brother.

SPEAKER_01 36:44

Yeah, I think you're doing some good stuff here.

SPEAKER_04 36:46

Yeah, people keep telling me I'm doing God's work.

SPEAKER_01 36:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:49

But I'm doing the work for him. Yeah. He just he just helps me. Yeah. He helps me with everything else that I cannot do on my own. Well, yeah, it's uh it's the creator is is living. Sorry, that was trauma. There is no name or pronoun for God.

SPEAKER_01 37:11

I I don't I don't even that's that's like indoctrination. That's like something that's like learned to to uh keep females down, probably because anything that powerful probably doesn't even have a body, doesn't have a sex.

SPEAKER_04 37:27

No.

SPEAKER_01 37:28

You know, it's it's higher on the plane. Yeah. It's bigger than all of that. Yeah. Um in my in my own. Oh, definitely.

SPEAKER_04 37:38

It's the ever it's the very atom that exists, the first one.

SPEAKER_01 37:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 37:45

Exactly. So you go here all day with it.

SPEAKER_01 37:47

Exactly. So it wants everything that we want, yeah, but in a positive way. Yes, I think.

SPEAKER_04 37:58

In a positive way.

SPEAKER_01 37:59

Right? That's what it's all about. And that's uh like like they say, the more you give, the more you get back.

SPEAKER_04 38:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:06

Type of thing. But you can't leave yourself empty.

SPEAKER_04 38:08

You look at Emmett's life.

SPEAKER_01 38:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 38:11

He never asked for anything.

SPEAKER_01 38:12

Yeah. But he still he got it because you give out and it comes back.

SPEAKER_04 38:17

Exactly. That's how it comes. You come to meetings and say, I don't need to be here.

SPEAKER_01 38:21

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_04 38:22

I'm here to share a message. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 38:26

Like same reason I'm here.

SPEAKER_04 38:27

Yeah, exactly. Same reason I sit here. Honestly, like people don't understand my meetings nowadays are interviewing people. And that's something I always love doing is talking to people. So you're literally sitting here helping me grow while I help you grow to share your story with the world where the world will relate to it in some sort of way. And that's really how beautiful it is to even have the ability, opportunity to do what I'm doing nowadays. I shared about it at the lodge a couple weeks ago. I prayed about it. I said, you know, creator, thank you so much. So much to have something that keeps me positive every day. Because I never had that from before.

SPEAKER_01 39:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:14

You know, it was always, oh, what am I gonna do this week? Oh, geez, I'm so bored.

SPEAKER_01 39:19

You know, just doing anything to fill the deck. Exactly. It's not anything fulfilling or anywhere.

SPEAKER_04 39:25

Is it getting me anywhere? Probably not.

SPEAKER_01 39:27

Yeah. I think I think one of the biggest messages is that if someone else can do it, why the hell can't you?

SPEAKER_04 39:34

Exactly. And that's yeah, that's why I told myself.

SPEAKER_01 39:38

Everyone is a great indivil individualist. And we're unique and not unique, we're all the same as it's it's kind of a I'm perfect at being me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:51

And nobody else can be like me.

SPEAKER_01 39:52

Yes, but me. And and so if other people can do it, why can't you? Yeah. That's the that's the the lesson I think in life.

SPEAKER_04 40:01

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 40:02

And even if you try something that you think you might like, it might not be for you, but at least you tried.

SPEAKER_04 40:10

Yeah, you still tried it. Yeah. There's nothing wrong in trying anything in life.

SPEAKER_01 40:14

Rather than, you know, looking back and being like, Well, I should have tried.

SPEAKER_04 40:18

Exactly. Should have tried. Yeah. I'm still a young man considered to a lot of other people older than me, but to people younger than me, they consider me old. Yeah. But they always say I look so young.

SPEAKER_01 40:30

That's kind of the way it works. No one had someone ask me. Someone asked me last night. They're like, Do you know where you were when 9-11 happened? And I'm like, what kind of question is that? Yeah. And they're young, that they're younger. So and I'm just like, and they're like, oh no, I asked that quite because another person asked it to me, and I asked the person that was asking me for them.

SPEAKER_05 40:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:56

I was like, what it that's strange. And they're like, no, I've asked people that.

SPEAKER_04 41:00

Yeah. I was in a group home.

SPEAKER_01 41:02

I I was in my mom's basement. And I had I saw it on this little TV I had, this big box TV that I had to hit on to get the picture.

SPEAKER_04 41:12

Because all the lines would go through and like bam. It is funny to see where other people were at during different times of you know of life. Yeah. But like people asked me, What were you doing, you know, during that day? Oh, geez, man. I was probably sitting in myself in a room in a freaking group room. Yeah. You know, because that's where age 11 to age 16, that's all those years. Okay. So yeah. I did share that on my two-part story. I should have made my story longer, but I'll extend it in the future. Yeah. So, you got any advice to anyone who could be listening in around the world to this episode today, listening about what kind of life you've had to have and where you're at nowadays. What kind of advice would you share with them that could help them out today?

Psychosis, Suicide Thoughts, And Pain Literacy

SPEAKER_01 42:08

Well, I was kind of all over the place. That's okay. I'm I'm not sure. I guess I I shared some good stuff. Some you didn't. I guess the message is that sometimes when you're in these like I was saying before, when you're in these situations that you might be going through this pain and it's uncomfortable, you don't want to be in it. And you don't understand the reason that maybe down the road you see maybe I need to be in this situation, to be in this other situation as positive. I think self-reflection is is a big thing, maybe to self-reflect on your day every day and and be grateful for the good and the bad, which they're just words.

SPEAKER_04 43:30

The good and the bad do.

SPEAKER_01 43:32

Yeah, what whatever you perceive to be good or bad, yeah, uh what can I I what I do is I try to learn from everything, so I'm like if a situation or a person I try to ask why is this happening or why have I met this person? What are they supposed to teach me? Especially If I don't like someone, I'm like, what are they here to teach me? Why don't I like them? Because usually when you don't like someone, for the most part, it could be something inside you that you don't like about yourself.

SPEAKER_04 44:16

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 44:16

Yeah. So I think that um self-reflection is a big key. And maybe looking and being like, why are things like this? And if I want to change it, what actions? And you can start small, can I take to correct this? Like if it's a job you don't like.

SPEAKER_04 44:39

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 44:39

Like my job, let's say. Like the job, I just know that there's no advancement. So what can I do? So you keep the job, you keep working the job, and then you start looking and being like, what do I actually like? What's something that I'd like to do that's maybe attainable?

SPEAKER_05 44:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:59

Right? Because uh we all can't be yeah, we all can't be YouTube stars.

SPEAKER_04 45:04

No, we can't.

SPEAKER_01 45:04

It takes a lot of work. Yes, right. Or or musicians or what have you. And well, you can. You can. You can, but maybe not gonna make it big. No, not big. Right? So what's attainable? And you can still do those things and still have a regular job. Yep. You know what I mean? Have a regular job and then do other things that you like. But attainable goals. Oh right?

SPEAKER_04 45:31

Hustle, but in a positive way.

SPEAKER_01 45:32

Yes, exactly. That's the difference.

SPEAKER_04 45:34

The only thing we gotta change.

SPEAKER_01 45:36

Yeah, exactly. Doing things in a positive way that aren't gonna have you in shackles. Yeah, exactly. Or or a jacket that gives you self-hunts.

SPEAKER_05 45:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:45

Either one of those, I don't I don't recommend.

SPEAKER_04 45:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:50

But I love you, man. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 45:52

Yeah, man. No, it's great having you on the Big Bears podcast. So thank you for coming in and sharing your story, brother. Thank you, man. No problem, man. Well, thank you for tuning in and listening to the newest episode with Jason.

SPEAKER_02 46:08

Have a great day.

Keith "Polar Bear" Gelhorn 46:15

Thank you for listening to the Big Bears Podcast, a two eyed seeing approach to neurodiversity. We would appreciate it if you could listen, subscribe, engage, and share this podcast. Tune in every second Tuesday at 7 a.m. Atlantic time for a new episode.